The conversation about ‘thinness’ your kids need you to have

Bodies and weight loss can feel difficult to discuss. But open, age-appropriate conversations with your children will always be more helpful than avoiding a topic everyone is talking about.

Yes, it’s ok to talk about it

First things first. Talking about body trends does not harm kids.

In fact, while avoiding the topic may feel safer, it could actually be more harmful than openly discussing what they’re seeing around them.

If your kids are teens and active on social media, they’re probably already noticing the ‘skinny trend’, and seeing comments about the bodies of high profile people. Without support, they risk accepting these images as ‘normal’ and internalising extreme thinness as the body ideal.

Kids need adults help to explore their thoughts and feelings about the very thin bodies they’re seeing online, and the commentary that’s occurring around them.

What to say

Age matters here, as different conversations are appropriate depending on your child’s age. But – for everyone – there’s one important rule. We don’t talk about any individual’s body because other people’s bodies are not our business.

Instead, we can talk about body trends, and any pressure we might feel to change our own bodies to meet the latest trend. You might ask them how it makes them feel to see thin bodies online. Or share your own perspective on the body trends you’ve seen come and go over time.

Another important message is that our bodies naturally come in a range of weights and sizes – in the same way that height or hair colour naturally vary. Highlight and celebrate body diversity, and reinforce it as the norm.

Talk to your kids about what their body can do rather than how it looks. It can be great to explore what helps them feel good in their body, and encourage them to do those things as much as possible. Anything from team sports to walking the dog – whatever feels good for them.

When concern is warranted

There is of course a big difference between commenting on strangers’ bodies (don’t) and checking in on the people you love (do).

If someone close to you shows signs of problematic eating behaviours or seems poorly nourished, it’s caring to ask if they’re ok. Just remember to keep the focus on health and wellbeing — as opposed to weight or appearance.

Importantly: Be a role model

Kids won’t always do what you say, but they almost always do (at least some of) what you do. What they see you doing is much more influential than anything a celebrity or influencer tells them.

Here are some practical ways to model a healthy relationship with food and your body:

• eat regularly – three meals, and snacks through the day when you’re hungry;
• eat flexibly – avoid rules about food like no carbs or no sugar (unless due to a relevant diagnosis);
• avoid making moral judgments about food (don’t label food as ‘good’ or bad’, avoid terms like ‘clean eating’ etc.);
• eat together as a family whenever possible;
• keep mealtimes non-negotiable – everyone eats breakfast, lunch, and dinner
• don’t celebrate weight loss… for anyone.

Also be mindful of how you talk about exercise. Focus on movement to feel good; not to look good, ‘earn’ food, or punish or compensate for something you have eaten.

Most importantly, try to model body acceptance (even if you don’t always feel it). Be OK with your jiggly bits, celebrate your belly, appreciate the way your body changes with age. Your body is where your kids come for comfort, and that’s something to be proud of.

A note for parents struggling with their own body image

It can be hard to model flexible eating and body acceptance if you’re struggling with body image distress or an eating disorder yourself. These issues are not confined to young people; in fact, body image distress peaks again for many midlife women, and the risk of an eating disorder in these years is heightened. It’s ok to reach out for support yourself. A qualified eating disorder therapist can help support your own relationship with food and your body image. Taking care of you might in fact be the best way to help your children with their relationship with food and their body.

No-one’s perfect

No-one get’s this get this 100% right – including therapists with their own children!

What’s important is creating a safe, non-judgmental space where your children can come with their confusion or concern.

Kind, safe conversations are the best way we can navigate this together.